13 June 2011
I really hate making decisions. I am very good at them, detachedly weighing pros and cons. I know what I want in life. So what's my problem? The soul-crushing fear that I will make the wrong one and eff up the rest of my life.
I made a bad one last semester, deciding to go to UMBC because it was easy. Really, that was the deciding factor. I would go to UMBC to complete my BFA because I could still live at home. Then, once I finished there I'd go to England to get my masters.
Now, I know with my health issues I should take it easy on myself, but I am plagued by the feeling that I am wasting my time. UMBC is getting me no closer to being a professional actor.
I managed to claw my way through the semester and sign up for fall classes. I was okay for about a week. Then all of the sudden it hit me- there is no way I could get through 3 more semesters (at least) at UMBC with my soul still intact. Cue horrible depression and a week of me sobbing at my mother that I physically, emotionally and mentally can't face another semester of UMBC, and her saying back "What, you want to drop out?" Or, "You need to talk to someone at UMBC!" (yeah, because academic advisers there would give unbaised advice about my thousands of dollars leaving them)
I would love nothing more than to drop out of college and move to New York or LA or London and make a go at being a professional actor. However, I am mature enough to realise that's the path to being a barrista for the rest of my life. I think that going to a conservatory in one of those cities for a year or two, and making connections during that time, is a much more realistic way to go about it. In the end, the degree is not what I'm after. I just want school as a spring board.
So, I found a school that offers a two year acting course, with an option of additional two years for a BFA. AMDA has campuses in both NYC and LA and looks like it would be a good foundation. I can go to school in NYC and still come back to Maryland for visits semi-regularly. If I decide in a few years I really need the degree, I'll go back to school and finish the BFA.
Last night I had dinner with my film group friends while we planned an experimental film. They're all at least twenty-years older than me, and they're all people who are getting into film (behind and in front of the camera) after doing the "college, job job job job" thing. They were all very supportive of my plans, and said they wished they'd had to courage to do the same when they were my age, so that was affirming. What really terrifies me is the thought of being old and looking back on my life and wishing I'd "gone for it."
So, now the scary part. I need to pull out of UMBC and get my act together to apply for AMDA for the fall semester. I'm terrified to put my eggs in one basket- what if I don't get accepted, I'll have wasted six more months, etc... I have reached the dreaded fork-in-the-road. Hopefully I've made the right turn...
Posted by Ophelia at 6:09 pm